2006 Highlights

Final Fore abandoned the comforts of Myrtle Beach for the first time in its history and descended upon Orlando in search of new courses, new restaurants, and more predictable and warmer weather. The first to arrive, Gordo secured the high-tech electronic keys for the lavish Windsor Hills mansions that would house Final Fore participants and quickly learned that the only way to open the door was to stand on one foot, hold the key in your less dominant hand, whistle a show tune while holding a beer can with less than 7 ounces remaining in it while facing due north. If only Poolio and the others had known this...

Joe Palumberi and his rookie, Brit John Holland , arrived late afternoon Thursday and proceeded to the Black Angus Bar for drinks/dinner before the Orlando airport shuttle service began. After a photo shoot with local Elvis impersonator Jack Smink, the men had a brief encounter at the bar with a couple visiting from the UK celebrating their 42^nd anniversary. During the course of the conversation, it became apparent that John knew a lot of English birds from his days running drinking establishments back home. John gave this one a wink, toasted them with a drink and sent them on their way.

Off in the distance on the Mystic Dunes practice tee as competitors warmed up for the Founders Cup, a lone golfer began hitting practice shots. His rhythmic swing, towering drives, the manner in which he shaped shots and his Vijay Singh-like silky smooth finish caused Joe Palumberi to remark, "Wow, look at that guy over there — the club pro here at Mystic Dunes has got quite a swing. I may try to squeeze in a lesson with him before we tee off." Joe was quickly informed that that was no club pro - that was 23-handicap Dave Heltebran, a member of Team Youth who would be receiving the second-most strokes in the team format. Palumberi, who has historically thrived in the face of Final Fore challenges (witness Final Fore 2001 and Ted McPheeters), looked at no one in particular and said dryly, "Here we go again."

The Founders' Cup (f/k/a the Mayor's Cup) came into existence in an effort to extend a 3-day golf trip by a day. In the grand scheme of the Final Fore, though, it really has no significance other than its early sponsorship by the now-exiled Mayor of Myrtle Beach, Andrew Smith, whose shack turned into a flop-house for early arrivers. A small trophy has been presented to past winners; however it is serving as a fruit bowl on Reardo's mantle at home.

Regardless, some people will stop at nothing to win The Founders' Cup. Take Poolio, for example. Having been on a Final Fore hiatus last year to recover from a surgically replaced hip, Poolio (a/k/a The Bionic Man) kindly offered to add a friend to the Founders Cup — Steve Moler — who just happened to live in the Orlando area. Coincidentally, Poolio had not seen Moler in 20 years so wanted to have him on his team and, even more coincidentally, his friend Steve was a 2 handicap. Not so coincidentally was the fact that Poolio, Moler and Heaney won the Founders' Cup with a score of 8 under, one stroke better than the team led by DeRosa.

Final Fore 2006 was billed as a classic battle of youth vs. experience. Team Youth, led by oft-maligned captain Tom Reardon, had flexed some early muscle before anyone hit the ground in Orlando by easily cleaning up in the team portion of the NCAA picks, despite Tim Tibbits having locked down the individual portion of the picks the earliest in Final Fore history and one point for the senior circuit. Defending champion Captain Joe Palumberi had the reins of Team Geritol, who trailed 2-1 when the golf began.

Team Geritol brought the match to even at the Orange Lakes Legends course thanks to a 3-0 sweep by Poolio/Tibbits over Brenneman/Williams and a 2-1 win by Holland/Palumberi over DeRosa/Reardon. Poolio ensured himself of an early lock on the Lady Byng Trophy, emblematic of good sportsmanship, after he allowed Chen to replace and replay a putt he had picked up after he mistakenly thought the hole had already been won. "It is my hope that by acting like a good sport, I might educate others about the values of sportsmanship," said Poolio, a native of Philadelphia , a town rich in sportsmanship history. "I am the teacher, and Chen is my pupil."

The most controversial match of the day came in the Heltebran/Kushner vs. Yakich/Heaney battle, where youth was served 3-0 emphatically. Surprisingly, the controversy was not over Heaney's bunker shot on the par-3 third hole hitting a rare but unidentified Florida bird species in the solar plexus and plopping back into the bunker, although Florida Fish & Game officials are still investigating. The controversy surrounded Heltebran shooting his career-best round of 87, a remarkable 8 strokes better than his purported handicap. But ever the good sport himself, Captain Palumberi was willing to dismiss this rarity, remarking: "Heck, the odds of Reardon ever getting a second date are that high and he has had 3 second dates (not counting strippers) so anything can happen."

The teams rolled over to the Legends Walk for the first-ever Final Fore Par-3 tournament, which served as a nice opportunity for the players to work on their short game and watch the 15^th hole at Orange Lakes-Legends go up in smoke as a result of an errantly tossed cigar earlier in the day (saliva samples still pending). The shot of the day came thanks to a moving tribute from DeRosa to his new favorite actor and movie: Heath Ledger and Brokeback Mountain . Standing over a 20-foot double-breaker putt, DeRosa exclaimed: "This one's for Heath." The putt indeed "broke back" to the hole and dropped for DeRosa's only birdie of the weekend. It proved pivotal in the blind-man draw, propelling Team Youth to a 9-6 lead after Day 1.

The players retired to Windsor Hills for the traditional pizza fest while watching the NCAA semi-final games, subsidized by basketball pool winner Tim Tibbits. That gave way to the annual Texas Hold'Em Tournament, which had been dominated by Mike "The Hammy" Heaney the past two years. But it became apparent that DeRosa's late evening one-on-one's with Mikey in the hot tub had paid off as DeRosa outlasted him with a solid chip count and walked away the big winner ( DeRosa's only meaningful contribution for the weekend, according to some reports).

Championsgate, home of the 2005 PGA "Q" School , was a fitting host to the traditional moving day of Final Fore, where 18 points were on the line. Gordo showed up for the Sunday matches looking like he had just rolled Jesper Parnevik in the parking lot and stole his shirt, belt and shoes. With Joe Champion off in Indianapolis hoping to find the next big player for his agency sitting in the stall next to him in the men's bathroom at the RCA Dome, there was no one to challenge perennial fashion plate Andy Brenneman for the coveted "Best Dressed" title. But upon seeing Gordo's get-up on the practice range, Andy waved the white flag...or in this case, his white belt...saying "No Mas "...or perhaps it was "how far?"

Gordo's shoes proved distracting to only one person — his morning round teammate DeRosa. The two were swept 3-0 by Palumberi/Tibbits as Tim rebounded from a rocky start thanks to a high octane cocktail on the 4^th tee box after hitting two into the cow pasture. DeRosa remarked, "All I could think of was how Heath might look in those shoes...I couldn't focus." But those were the only three points Team "Early Bird Special" would take in the morning. Reardon and Chen buried the two oldest competitors (Holland and Yakich) in a 3-0 sweep, with Reardon noting that he knew the match was a lock when John asked if he could have his customary mid-morning tea and crumpets and a brief turn-down before playing the back nine. And the Brenneman/Heltebran pairing swept Poole/Heaney after another Festivus Miracle -- with the ink not yet dry on his career best 87, Heltebran posted a new career best 84.

Final Fore is not without run-ins with local wildlife (recall 2005 and Joe Palumberi hitting a shot with one foot in the water and an alligator lurking near by). 2006 had its own "When Animals Attack" episode after Gordo's approach to the green on #17 of the National course landed within ten feet of an alligator. Poolio and Yakich were kind enough to allow him to take a drop out of danger (without a stroke penalty ...), although Poolio was tossing cuts of raw meat Gordo's way as he addressed his ball. After one failed attempt to retrieve the ball aggravated the gator, Reardo used the "rake drag" method he saw Paul Hogan use in Crocodile Dundee to save Gordo's Titleist . Despite being a little shaky, they went on to take two points from the old guys. Right behind them, Holland/Tibbits took three from DeRosa/Brenneman (keeping DeRosa's point total for the weekend at an underwhelming 1) and behind them Captain Palumberi and Heaney were spanked 3-0 by Heltebran and Chen. After Day 2, the point total was 20-13 in favor of Team Youth.

With half of the modern world waiting for a table at the various restaurants in Downtown Disney, a splinter group embarked for a better locale for Captains Reardo and Palumberi to work out the singles pairings. A brief stop at Wendy's for dinner provided arguably the most bizarre incident of the weekend when Chen got into it with a Wendy's Spicy Chicken Sandwich. Chen is an investor in a restaurant in Manhattan , so he knows a thing or two about fine dining (but perhaps not about investing). As he took a bite of the Wendy's signature dish, he was shocked at its thin, flavorless taste. So rather than complaining to the staff, he gave the chicken sandwich a piece of his mind. He dressed that sandwich down in front of the entire restaurant...it was quite a spectacle, yet I couldn't look away. Then it was off to Thee Venue for the pairings analysis by the captains.

With Team Rogaine trailing by only seven points, Captain Palumberi sought to shake things up by proposing that the two-man scramble be moved to the morning. This move ended up having no strategic value as each team took 4.5 points at the O.C. Crooked Cat course Monday morning, meaning that Final Fore 2006 would come down to the Monday afternoon matches...as it always does and should.

Reardo and Palumberi had spent many hours Sunday night staring at the pair( ing )s for the pivotal mano y mano matches. Joe had made it clear to Reardo that he was fully intent on retaining the Green Jacket, so much so that he would be sleeping in it that night. Reardo didn't seem to be bothered by that, especially considering a few of the things he had done in the Green Jacket when he had won it.

Out first was the Holland-Heltebran pairing, which saw the cagey Brit take three points right out of the gate against Heltebran. While some may argue that Heltebran's equitable stroke adjustment was anything but equitable, observers of the match noted that it was not the stroke adjustment but rather Holland 's mental games..."Did you stroke there? Did you stroke there?"...that proved pivotal in sweeping the match. More on the other match (Brenneman vs. Heaney) in the first group out later.

In the second foursome, Tim Tibbits went 2-1 over neighbor Gordo, who managed to lose three sleeves of balls and what little hair he has left before the front nine was finished.

The other match of Yakich vs. Chen was a much tighter match. Chen had won the front and was cruising along on the back, until Wayne pieced together a few holes to make the 18^th hole relevant — a win on #18 would allow Wayne to split the match and keep the dream of another Green Jacket within Captain Palumberi's reach. As they stepped to the 18^th tee, thoughts of Poolio's great lessons on sportsmanship from earlier in the weekend interfered with Chen's swing-thoughts.

He then proceeded to top his tee shot 20 yards and helicopter-toss his driver about 5 yards further with a slight draw, causing him to exclaim, "I can't even throw my fu** ing club straight." Then, as Wayne stepped to the tee box, Chen quipped "I hope you hit it in the trap," virtually locking up the Lady Byng trophy for Poolio. Unphased , Wayne striped his drive down the middle, parred the hole and brought his team another point closer to a victory.

As the last foursome reached the #18 green (with Poolio up 2-1 on Reardo and Palumberi having locked up 3 against DeRosa), they were under the impression that the old guys had fallen one point short and that the coveted Green Jacket was being returned to Reardon. This was based on a purported 3-0 sweep by Brenneman over Heaney in the first foursome. As the last group was putting out, Commissioner Gordon (no, not that one) was double-checking scores from the other matches and determined that the score from the Brenneman-Heaney match was actually 2-1 Brenneman, not 3-0 (which would mean a tie and Captain Palumberi retaining the Green Jacket).

All players were asked to confirm their scores before submitting them for official scoring. Indeed, the Brenneman match was 2-1, not 3-0, making the Final Fore 2006 matches a tie and causing Chen to ponder the imponderable: "How the fu** do you not know the score in your match?" As the players gathered up their gear in the O.C. Panther parking lot to retire to the Champion's dinner, Heltebran inadvertently tossed his scorecard in the general direction of his teammates a la Oddjob from Goldfinger , but luckily only Gordo and Chen were at risk of being hit and neither of them were tall enough to be in any danger. The result: the Final Fore matches ended in a tie, meaning the reigning champion (Captain Palumberi) retained the Green Jacket and the motley group of old farts was victorious.

Final Fore 2006 drew to a close at Charlie's Steakhouse for the annual Champions Dinner, where players gathered around the table to break bread, rehash stories from the weekend, congratulate each other on their accomplishments and watch Reardo's face turn red as Richard the Waiter and his meat got just a little too close to Tom. Team Youth had to painfully watch Captain Reardo once again present Palumberi with the Green Jacket and then watch him pose with the old geezers for the Champions team photo. But the young guys know that, for these old guys, this was probably all they have left to live for as they head into the twilight of their lives, so letting them win this year allows them to hold on to something that the young guys will have plenty of time for later.

Andy Brenneman — working as a temp at the J. Lindeberg clothing outlet
Greg DeRosa — cleaning stalls at a cattle ranch on Brokeback Mountain
Mike Heaney — serving 3-5 in Florida on wildlife endangerment charges
Dave Heltebran — #98 on the 2006 PGA Tour money list; qualified for US Open
John Holland — teaching friends how to eat a hamburger with a knife and fork
Gordo Kushner — in Sweden returning golf shoes to Jesper Parnevik
Joe Palumberi — in the buffet line somewhere in Florida wearing the Green Jacket
Steve Poole — tracking down old college friend "Eldrick Woods" for 2007 Founders Cup
Tom Reardon — helping new "roommate" Richard get accustomed to life in Little Silver
Tim Tibbits — in a cow pasture drinking a Captain and Coke looking for a Titleist
Dave Williams — quality control consultant for Wendy's Corp.
Wayne Yakich — taking a bath in his neighbor's pool

***2007 marks the 10^th anniversary of Final Fore — March 30 — April 3, 2007. Mark your calendars!***