2011 Highlights

Final Fore often gets a bad rap about being nothing more than a mindless weekend of golf, drinking, smoking cigars, watching sports, playing cards, etc. No one ever has accused Final Fore of being a weekend-long history lesson about former Soviet republics in the South Caucasus region. Going into Final Fore 2011, most of the participants had heard of Armenia but probably couldn't point it out on a map with any degree of accuracy, nor could they name any famous Armenians or have an intelligent conversation about its history, religion or politics. Boy did that change!

For the early arrivers, Final Fore got started with Heaney renting a Kia van from nationally known car rental service, U-Save, which is conveniently located only 20 minutes drive from the airport in the opposite direction of Innisbrook in a dimly lit parking lot next to various Tampa-area chop shops. After picking up the van, the players made their way to Innisbrook and, upon driving through the guard gate noticed that the Copperhead course was under more than a foot of water. In the Osprey Bar, Walsack had been holding court since 10:00 a.m. that morning because his personal practice round was rained out. Fortunately for him, the bar was open so he was able to pass the time drinking and updating the travelers via social media about the monsoon blowing through Tampa that day. After some tasty flat bread pizzas, the greatest lobster mac and cheese in town and turkey clubs the size of, well, a whole turkey, the competitors retired to the condos to get some sleep before the 12th annual Founders Cup. But it was on the way out that the players learned that this trip was more than just about golf. Curious about breakfast opportunities, they inquired at the front desk about options. The portly concierge advised, and I quote: "Try Tiffany's just down the street. It's owned by Armenians, but the food's still good." And so it began.

Tiffany's is located a mere 5-minute drive from the resort (assuming you are driving down Belcher Way a/k/a "Wayne's way"). It has all the charm of a classic Armenian family restaurant – pictures of famous people who had dined there (Lee Roy Selmon and Stan Makita, to name a few), pictures of Audrey Hepburn from the movie of the same name, and of course pictures of life growing up in Armenia. The decor called to mind many famous Armenians: Armen Keteyian, Robert Kardashian, Jerry Tarkanian, Frank Chirkinian, Mike "the Situatian", Kim Kardashian, Jack Kevorkian, Kirk Kerkorian, Tim Kurkjian, Ara Parseghian, Garo Yapremian … the list goes on. And the place lived up to its advance billing: despite being owned by Armenians, the food was still good, particularly the Santa Fe skillet and Armenian-style waffles, crispy though they were. Armenians are fanatical about their waffles, not to mention their piping hot, bite-size corn muffins and coffee (only if properly diluted with a gallon of creamer). Thoroughly impressed with the food and service, Tiffany's was awarded the official breakfast stop of Final Fore 2011. After a brief stop for a consultation at the Clothes Mentor, the players were off to the Founders Cup.

It came as no surprise that Reardon bailed on the Founders Cup – as usual, his schedule was up in the air until the last minute … a trial conference here that couldn't get adjourned, a trucking conference there running in parallel. So it was 4 versus 3, Team Wayne (less Reardon) versus Team Heaney. The host course – Plantation Palms – was a decent drive away, but it gave the players the opportunity to see some of the billboards dotting the Florida countryside. It was through this drive that a love affair with Fran Haasch bloomed, earning her status as the official legal advisor to Final Fore, edging out divorce lawyers McBath ("Time to Separate?") and Reardon Anderson ("Time to Slip and Fall?").

Plantation Palms served as a worthy test for the 12th annual Founders Cup. The course was designed by famous course architect David S. Harman, the lesser known of the Harman brothers. His designs offer tricky green positioning, which can actually give a golfer playing the 18th hole the illusion that he should hit his approach shot into the 9th green, even though he has already played that green earlier in the round, and this design quirk ultimately led to the downfall of Team Wayne, which lost by two strokes to Team Heaney. Team Heaney a/k/a Team MPH was led to victory by Heaney, De Rosa, the Doctor and an emotionless Watson the Computer – "what is 8-iron?" After a few pints on the Palm Plantations veranda, the players finally gave in to Chen's demands that they eat at Hooters and departed for a fine feast of wings – "Winging, Hello" – rather than eat at his recently opened restaurant just off exit 278 on I-75. With his doggie bag in hand (certainly a Final Fore first), Walsack led the players back to Osprey Bar at Innisbrook where Shaun the bartender once again took care of the gang.

The players were awakened to news that the first day of the Ryder Cup matches had to be relocated from Fox Hollow due to the previous day's monsoon. Quick reaction by the Final Fore planning committee secured tee times at the Tom Lehman-designed Lake Jovita South Course. With "Evil Woman" blaring in his U-Save van, Heaney was ready to lead his charges to victory and escorted the lads to Tiffany's for another round of breakfast skillets, waffles and a regular Armenian coffee klatch. However, it was there that team Heaney would be cursed forever: after a few of his players gave a scathing, uncensored indictment of the Catholic church within ear-shot of the devout owners, it was clear that Team Heaney would need an Easter miracle to bring home the Green Jacket.

Even though it was a solid hour's drive from Innisbrook, Lake Jovita turned out to be a great replacement course. As the Doctor and DeRosa chatted up the locals, the other players focused on the speedy greens and the peeler putts that resulted. Knowing he had already lost the team portion of the NCAA picks part of the competition, Heaney sent DeRosa/Gordo out first against Reardon/Walsack in the Team Skins to try to negate Team Wayne's 2-0 lead and they didn't disappoint. On the first tee, Reardon was bestowed the "Best Dressed" Award thanks to his sparkling Monmouth Beach Club logoed shirt and hat. Despite dropping the front nine after Walsack (81) conjured memories of sandbaggers past like Dave Heltebranian, DeRosa(78)/Gordo(83) rallied to win the back and the overall to take 2 of a possible 3 points. Coincidentally (or perhaps not), the stock of US Robotics surged 48% in after-hours trading. It was during this round that Walsack's fascination with taking pictures of men relieving themselves on the golf course first became known. Right behind them Chen/Wayne vaulted past Doctor/Heaney 2-1. After Day 1 and the basketball, the matches stood 5-3 in favor of Team Wayne, with 1 point still up for grabs depending on the outcome of the Kentucky/UConn semi-final game later that evening.

After returning from Lake Jovita, the guys settled in at the Osprey Bar once again for dinner and to watch the semi-final games, which would dictate the last remaining point in the NCAA competition (Mikey = Kentucky, Scott = UConn). Both guys had been at the bottom of the pool the entire March Madness, and now here it was that one of them was going to win the individual title and the coveted one point for his team. When UConn prevailed over Kentucky, Team Wayne moved ahead 6-3, and Scott respected the time-honored tradition of buying a round of drinks with his winnings. The players hung out at the bar while national recording artists "Blue Lightning" hammered out tunes on the patio and Bette Midler made her way around the bar to pose for pictures and talk about "The Wind Beneath Her Wings."

The monsoon that had hit Tampa earlier that week was going to keep the famous Copperhead course underwater all weekend, but quick action by the FF planning committee ensured Final Fore 2011 would go on: the players would play 3 straight rounds at the more challenging Island course. Before attempting to make up the 3-point deficit, a few of the early risers returned to Tiffany's, only to find that two nuns from the local convent had been called in to exorcise the demons left by the prior morning's breakfast fiasco.

Out first for Team Wayne, Scott/Wayne swept Gordo/Mikey to extend the lead to six points and DeRosa/Doctor could only manage a split with Chen/Reardo, leaving the matches at 9.5–5.5 and whispers of MVP being sent in Chen's direction. The players had time only for a quick Jumbo Ozaki hotdog and a beer between matches, then went back out for the second 18 and finally it looked like Team Heaney might make the final day's singles matches exciting: Greg/Heaney beat Scott/Dave 2-1 and Gordo/Doctor took 2.5 from Wayne/Reardo with many hoodrats in the gallery. The afternoon move by Team Heaney was huge, Caroline, huge. Now, with just the singles matches to play on Monday, the score stood 11-10 for Team Wayne.

The players stopped in at the Loch Ness Pool for a few beers, snacks and a dip in the pool before heading to dinner/drinks at the Osprey … again. It was there that we learned, among other things, that Greg Gumbel is arguably the youngest looking 86 year old in the history of sports broadcasting. Before the night was over, Captain Heaney had to be escorted home after walking from the restroom back to the bar as if he was walking through downtown Sendai during the recent earthquake.

Despite the "incident" at Tiffany's the prior morning, the players felt compelled to have their last breakfast – let's call it the Last Supper – there in respect of the wealth of knowledge they had gained about Armenia during the week. So you can imagine their shock and disappointment when the gap-toothed waitress informed everyone that the place was actually owned by Albanians, not Armenians. Three days of material down the drain – but we did learn that Albanian coffee can keep you awake for 48 hours straight and to not deposit money in the Albanian National Bank (thanks for the tip).

With his team only 1 point back, Heaney decided it was time for more than just an inspirational speech. He decided to try to help his players with their games by spray painting white aiming lines on the Island course practice range where they were hitting balls during warm-up to help them with direction. The good news was that the phrase "Buster … Posey" was their mantra to promote good swing tempo; the bad news was that Mikey's aiming lines were slightly askew, causing his players to think they were hitting it straight when in fact they were 30 degrees off line left every time.

Unwilling to be pointed in the wrong direction, DeRosa went out and swept Wayne 3-0 while Mikey was only able to salvage 1 point against Chen. This despite Chen being in a Livet fog and defying the laws of physics by hitting two 3-woods that actually travelled backwards. With the Green Jacket in the balance and only two singles matches remaining, the Ryder Cup stood 14-13 in favor of Team Heaney. But in the last two pairings, the wrong Busters showed up: Gordo played more like Buster Poindexter en route to a 2-1 white-wash by Reardo while the Doctor played more like Buster Brown in his 2.5/.5 loss to Walsack. The final tally: 17.5-15.5 for Team Wayne.

The Loch Ness Pool again served as a brief rest stop for the players before the Innisbrook Shuttle ferried them over to Todd F. Packard's Steak House for the Champions Dinner, where - surprise, surprise – Shaun the bartender was working in the bar and by that time didn't have to ask anyone what they were having. At dinner, the players recalled fondly their new-found love for all things Armenian, the inner beauty of Fran Haasch, the P/E ratio of US Robotics, and the rhythmic swing of Buster Posey. After one of the finest meals in Final Fore history, Mikey presented Wayne with his second consecutive Green Jacket and the players then returned to the Osprey Bar to watch UConn defeat Butler in one of the poorest played games in NCAA history.

Mark your calendars for Final Fore 2012, March 29 – April 2, 2012, hosted by the Armenian National Golf and Country Club in Yerevan, Armenia., the capital city of Armenia which is situated along the Hrazdan River...